Different strokes for the same folk?

I'd like to present to you something from my heart. This isn't something I like doing, mind you! As I type this I delete my words and re write them and delete those and re word it...ya, I'm working on it, but here it goes :)

Lately, I haven't been intent on bringing a smile to another persons face. Instead, I seem to replace smiles on faces with concern in their eyes. I don't do this on purpose, it's not my fault :) I haven't been the bubbly red head that most people see me as for a while.

But that isn't a bad thing! Just because they haven't seen me in a different state of mind doesn't make this a bad thing. I try to reassure them, but short of doing a cartwheel to express my energy and telling a corny joke, I never seem to convince them that I'm all right!

I have been contemplative lately. Jesus is my peace. That's what I'm suppose to preach: through Jesus we have access to God! This relationship with God has been the best one I've ever had. I am being constantly enlightened to what I know is the hope of salvation. God's greatness exceeds everything my mind can contemplate!

And trust me, I've been contemplating this for a while! I feel that people compare my current demeanor with a memory of how I have been in the past and because I'm not the same, they assume there is a problem with me. While I just want something out of the norm: play the day down low: go with the flow. When they ask me if something is wrong with me, I feel like they are judging my demeanor as something negative.

Never mind the fact that dozens of others act exactly as I am now! Because of my previous performance I have been labeled and am now demanded to perform. Well, I don't feel like performing today, this week, or this month.

I can't imagine what you who read this is thinking, but why must I act a certain way just because you want me to? Am I obligated now to be funny and loud when I wish to be laid back and contemplative? You see, I'm saying this: I am not feeling negative about myself, not thinking horrible thoughts of despair. I'm not degrading my existence or feeling otherwise down on myself. I am just going through the day easy peasy and relaxing in the peace of God. So, as long as I'm acting positively, in line with God's will, I don't see a problem with my current attitude.

Okay, that's all done, rant is over, I'm sorry you read this if you have no idea what I'm talking about! :D I have been more joyful in the last 2 months, than I can ever remember. And I feel it growing inside of me. There is something (Jesus) inside me that is growing deeper into my existence, becoming more apart of my reality, my soul, and my life.

This feeling of joy, hope, love, and peace are not emotions. These things are there when emotions are good and there when they are bad. An ever remaining constant presence inside of me, reminding me of the grand excess of my God. How he has abounded toward me according to how rich his grace is. I cannot give enough thanks for who God is.

These things are so far beyond emotion and reality that I'm just becoming changed by this revelation. And as it grows larger and larger, I become closer and closer to God. I love that more than anything on this earth. Having an intimate, close, personal, unique relationship with God is where eternal life is at. God has quickened me and I've never been more alive and passionate about anything else. He is my peace. For this cause I bow my knees to my Father, the Lord Jesus Christ. Love. Christ is in my heart through faith, and I am grounded in that fact through love. This is what has filled me with the fullness of God.

I love ya guys and hope you're all growing in your relationship with Christ. And if you want to be a follower of Him, ask him to be your life. (Not just a part of it, but totally give your life to Him) and I promise you that it will be the start of true life to the fullest! And if you feel stuck in your life with Christ, ask Him about it and be ready to listen with your heart and hear what might have missed otherwise. God bless!